29 September 2008

From The Past - A la carte, a la tente

I'm struggling to get back on track after camp with laundry, housework and the imminent kitchen pack-up before our new kitchen is installed next week. So I thought I'd find an old post I haven't visited for a while and re-post it.

Who has been on a church camp? Does any of this strike a chord with you?

Waiter: Good evening Sir, Madam, welcome to Dinner At Camp. Table for two this evening?

Him: Yes thankyou.

Waiter: Would you like to be seated in the Sun In Your Eyes section, or the Cold Food Served Last section?

Her: Mmm, they both sound good. We'll choose the Sun In Your Eyes section this evening.

Waiter: An excellent choice. Aerogard or Non-Aerogard?

Him: Aerogard.

Waiter: No problem. Please follow me. Now, would you like a drink to start with?

Him: Yes, please. We'll both have a Tank Water With Wrigglers.

Waiter: I'm terribly sorry Sir, due to Health Regulations the Water's been taken off the menu tonight. But I can offer a particularly good Weak Yellow Cordial if you'd be interested?

Her: That sounds lovely. Thankyou. (Waiter leaves.) Wonderful service here, isn't it?

Him: Yes, it is. I've never been seated in this section before. For lunch I was in the Downwind From The Barbecue Smoke section, and for breakfast I was in the Sitting At The Card Table Because I Was Too Late From The Cold Showers section.

Waiter (returns): Are you ready to order, Sir?

Him: Yes thankyou. I'll have the Gluggy Rice with Sloppy Meat ... incidentally, what meat is it?

Waiter: The chef said he's not entirely certain, as it simply says "tinned meat" on the side of the -er- tin.

Him: Never mind, it's just a minor detail. And can I have the Camp Toast with that?

Waiter: Certainly sir. How would you like it done?

Him: Tonight I'll have it cold, moist and leathery thanks.

Waiter: Very good sir, and for Madam?

Her: A very tempting menu. I'll choose the Gristly Chicken with Grey Watery Vegetables, that sounds nice.

Waiter: An excellent choice. And for dessert?

Her: We'll both have the Puddle of Melted Ice-Cream with the Children's Sprinkles, please.

Waiter: Certainly. Will you be having any other drinks with your meal?

Him: Yes, I will have the Lukewarm Tea with a Milk Arrowroot biscuit, and my lovely wife will have - what will you have dear? A Tepid Grey Coffee, thanks. International Roast would be perfect. And two anti-nausea tablets to finish thanks.

Waiter: Lovely. Now do you have any requests for music while you wait?

Him: How about the Superman Grace?

Her: Oh no dear, I cannot bear the Superman Grace. Could we have Thank You God For Giving Us Food instead please?

Waiter: Absolutely, I'll go and tell the musicians directly. Enjoy your Weak Yellow Cordials. (Waiter leaves.)

Her: What a lovely evening. Pass the Aerogard? Thankyou. Could you please spray the back of my nec-

Musicians: THANK you God for giving us food! THANK you God for giving us food! THANK you God for giving us food! Ri-ight where we are!

Him: Oh, I've been meaning to mention how the lovely the decor in the amenities bloc-

Musicians: HAL-lelujah praise the Lord! HAL-lelujah praise the Lord! HAL-lelujah praise the Lord! Ri-ight where we are!

Him: Never mind.


Jen said...

yes, I have been to church camp and I know this well. You captured it perfectly.

Hippomanic Jen said...

Just as good as 'leftovers' as it was the first time.