30 January 2008

A la carte, a la tente.

I've been on a lot of camps. So I feel I am qualified to write this skit. I must hasten to add that at my most recent camp, the food was lovely. Thanks to Dave, Cath and the team. This is most definitely NOT aimed at you, but at the numerous other camps I have been on since I was very young.

Waiter: Good evening Sir, Madam, welcome to Dinner At Camp. Table for two this evening?
Him: Yes thankyou.
Waiter: Would you like to be seated in the Sun In Your Eyes section, or the Cold Food Served Last section?
Her: Mmm, they both sound good. We'll choose the Sun In Your Eyes section this evening.
Waiter: An excellent choice. Aerogard or Non-Aerogard?
Him: Aerogard.
Waiter: No problem. Please follow me. Now, would you like a drink to start with?
Him: Yes, please. We'll both have a Tank Water With Wrigglers.
Waiter: I'm terribly sorry Sir, due to Health Regulations the Water's been taken off the menu tonight. But I can offer a particularly good Weak Yellow Cordial if you'd be interested?
Her: That sounds lovely. Thankyou. (Waiter leaves.) Wonderful service here, isn't it?
Him: Yes, it is. I've never been seated in this section before. For lunch I was in the Downwind From The Barbecue Smoke section, and for breakfast I was in the Sitting At The Card Table Because I Was Too Late From The Cold Showers section.
Waiter (returns): Are you ready to order, Sir?
Him: Yes thankyou. I'll have the Gluggy Rice with Sloppy Meat ... incidentally, what meat is it?
Waiter: The chef said he's not entirely certain, as it simply says "tinned meat" on the side of the -er- tin.
Him: Never mind, it's just a minor detail. And can I have the Camp Toast with that?
Waiter: Certainly sir. How would you like it done?
Him: Tonight I'll have it cold, moist and leathery thanks.
Waiter: Very good sir, and for Madam?
Her: A very tempting menu. I'll choose the Gristly Chicken with Grey Watery Vegetables, that sounds nice.
Waiter: An excellent choice. And for dessert?
Her: We'll both have the Puddle of Melted Ice-Cream with the Children's Sprinkles, please.
Waiter: Certainly. Will you be having any other drinks with your meal?
Him: Yes, I will have the Lukewarm Tea with a Milk Arrowroot biscuit, and my lovely wife will have - what will you have dear? A Tepid Grey Coffee, thanks. International Roast would be perfect. And two anti-nausea tablets to finish thanks.
Waiter: Lovely. Now do you have any requests for music while you wait?
Him: How about the Superman Grace?
Her: Oh no dear, I cannot bear the Superman Grace. Could we have Thank You God For Giving Us Food instead please?
Waiter: Absolutely, I'll go and tell the musicians directly. Enjoy your Weak Yellow Cordials. (Waiter leaves.)
Her: What a lovely evening. Pass the Aerogard? Thankyou. Could you please spray the back of my nec-
Musicians: THANK you God for giving us food! THANK you God for giving us food! THANK you God for giving us food! Ri-ight where we are!
Him: Oh, I've been meaning to mention how the lovely the decor in the amenities bloc-
Musicians: HAL-lelujah praise the Lord! HAL-lelujah praise the Lord! HAL-lelujah praise the Lord! Ri-ight where we are!
Him: Never mind.


Crazy Sister said...

My problem at camps is Utensils. Where are they? Why did I return to my table with no knife and fork? Can someone swat my food while I get utensils? Are there any forks left? And then three people will bring me some. Toast for me please - black one side, bread the other side.