18 June 2009

Lots of Grumpiness, and an Open Call for JOKES!

So there are worse things in life. Much worse things. But I can't stop crying, and I feel a total schmuck because of that.

I have had my ultrasound.

I have placenta previa.

And it's a pretty convincing placenta previa.

I will be having a caesarean.

I am devastated.

And I can't stop crying.

And that's stupid, because this dear little baby, the one who jumps around inside me all day and night, the one we have looked forward to for ages, the one I've been bonding with in between moving house and being sick and getting Sonny Ma-Jiminy to kindy - this baby will LIVE!

Not only that - I have met many good bloggy friends over the last few years who have stories much sadder or much scarier than mine. Right now, a good bloggy friend is going through a very difficult time in her much-wanted pregnancy. Six and a half years ago, another great friend lost her much-waited-for little girl, stillborn at 36 weeks. My heart goes out to them, in a less cliched way than I composed this stupid sentence.

How could I possibly waste time crying because more intervention was needed in my birth than I wanted?

They told me that I have to get as much rest as I can until the birth. I laughed. Do they not KNOW what even my Minimum-Standards Days involve? And anyway, my identity is wrapped up in what I achieve for my family on a day-to-day basis. How could I possibly outsource MY work onto my husband or my mother? (Sorry, Mum, bet you wished you stayed on holidays a little longer now!) Who do I become then?

And why am I upset about 4 to 5 weeks of rest when another great bloggy friend was put on complete bed rest for 14 weeks before (and probably 6 weeks after) her triplets were born? Jen, email me and tell me how "bed rest" even WORKS.

Then - wow. A caesarean. Don't wanna tell you my thoughts on that.

Then apparently, I will have to rest for 6 weeks after the caesar.

Thingamababy will live because I am fortunate enough to have a healthy growing baby in there, because I am fortunate enough to live in a country where I can nourish myself and my family, because I am fortunate enough to live in a country where Medical Care can say, "Aha! Placenta previa. We'll do a caesarean so that the baby doesn't bleed to death before it can breathe."

How fortunate am I?

And how thankless am I that I can't stop crying? That I can't see my keyboard for the tears, that I am devastated at the loss of another exhilarating birth scenario like the one I had with Smoochy Girl? That was better than winning big on a huge game show, more exhilarating than the biggest rollercoaster in the world, more satisfying than serving a massive dinner to huge acclamation. After Smoochy blasted out of me, I jumped off the bed, had a shower, put my comfy exercise gear back on and wheeled my baby right outta there.

This time?

I hardly know what to expect (even though I technically KNOW what to EXPECT.)

Just bear with me until sometime in August or September when I'm all healed and fully functioning again, holding a tiny-small Blue One or Pink One in my arms, wondering why I wasted these tears in the first place.

Just ... bear with me.

In the meantime - I have a need. A need that each one of you can help with. I need to LAUGH - I need to laugh out loud and the funniest, silliest jokes you've heard recently. Ask your spouses, ask your kids, ask your neighbours (but don't bother asking your Dads): tell them that crazy pregnant lady is in need of light entertainment and SEND THE JOKES MY WAY! Leave them in the comments or email me: ukulelefly AT gmail DOT com. If need be, I'll wear a maternity pad. I just need the laugh!


Heather said...

Oh my dearest Givinya, (((((HUGS)))))

I'm just glad they caught the placenta previa in time so they can prepare and it isn't an emergency situation when you go into labor. Thank God for that. And yes, the rest of it - the bedrest, the C-section, the bedrest again and the healing, it all is worth crying over, absolutely. Don't feel that your sadness needs to be diminished because other folks have had it bad or "worse" than you, okay?

I'll get to work on the jokes. I'll even do a survey of Kiddo's kindy class this morning and see what they give me. 5 and 6 year olds are such connoisseurs when it comes to humor......

More later! XOXOXOXO

Femina said...

I'll get back to you with jokes, but in the meantime I posted a fun video on my blog today. It's been making me smile a lot today.

You're allowed to cry. Quite aside from the fact that you've had lots to deal with lately, this is not what you expected or wanted. Cry when you need to. Maybe in a couple of months, when Thingamababy is here, you will wonder why you cried... but until then, you just do what you need to do.

Givinya De Elba said...

Thanks, my lovely friends. I really needed to hear that.

Life With Jack said...

I absolutely agree that you're allowed to cry over this. Just because there are people going through worse things, doesn't mean that your pain isn't as real. You are grieving the loss of something you wanted. I am praying for you and hope that this time goes by quickly and as smoothly as possible for you!

(I'll try to think of a joke. Jack is full of them.)

Swift Jan said...

Ditto, ditto & ditto!!

Do a google image search for "swine flu cartoon"... there are some giggle worthy things in there :D There is a particular winnie the pooh one that had me in stitches!


tinsenpup said...

Geez, Givinya, cut yourself some slack. You've had an incredibly challenging, emotional year (through which you've held your head up as much as possible and been the backbone of your family) and now THIS. It's truly a wonder that Thingamababy will be safe and sound with some rest and a caesarean and it's awful that any mother ever has to go through worse, but that doesn't make this any less worthy of your grief.

Honestly, having to accept help recently has been harder than I ever imagined. We both need to remember that the people who love us want to help. Sometimes giving them the opportunity to do so and accepting their help gracefully is a gift in itself.

Mamma has spoken said...

follow this link to one of my favorite things that happen to me with one of the students that I worked with. It makes me smile everytime I think about it.

Anonymous said...

You, my dear, are allowed to cry! Your fears and disappointment is not diminished because you believe someone else's situation is "worse." Ask for help. Rest as your doctor instructed. Relax your standards for the care/cleaning of your home, because as a mother of two adult "children" (Mrs. Tantrum and her brother Tantrum), and Nana to three, there will be plenty of time when your soon-to-be brood of three will be grown. Call your Mum. Cry on her shoulder and let her help you through this. Sending hugs from the Pacific Northwest and prayers that all goes well...I know it will!

Nana Tantrum

Jen said...

I have some things to say but I am going to email you. Both my thoughts and a video that made me laugh so hard I peed. Its coming just wait.

Hairline Fracture said...

You go ahead and cry. It's normal to feel disappointed when you don't have the birth experience you expected. Add pregnancy hormones into the mix and you've pretty much guaranteed tears. When you hold Thingamababy you will feel all the gratitude you are trying to feel now.

Okay, I am terrible at jokes but here is one I read yesterday about a football coach: "He's got those boys making straight A's! Some of their B's are a little wobbly, but still!"

Crazy Sister said...

A biologist, a physicist and a mathemetician are sitting at a cafe watching people passing. Two people go into the house across the road. A while later, three people come out of the same house.

The physicist says, "We must have made an error in our original calculations."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathemetician says, "If exactly one person goes into the house now, it will be empty."

Sorry it's a maths joke, and I think it's one you sent to me, anyway! But I think it's hilarious.

Definitely cry about the loss of your third exhilarating birth experience. The almighty power of birthing is one of the hugest moments in life, and planning to swap that ride for a process where you're "de-pregnanted" in less than ten minutes by appointment is... well, cold.

Well now I've gone and depressed you again. Never mind. Here are some things police wish they could say to speeders:
“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on this ticket, huh?”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a dog or cat?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“Now exactly how big were those ‘Just two beers’ you had?”
“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here."

Sorry, that's all I've got. Is it just me or did jokes used to be much funnier when we were kids?

Crazy Sister said...

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory

The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and
says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three
times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Crazy Sister said...

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Givinya De Elba said...

I knew I could rely on all my good buddies, and Crazy Sister in particular!

Ha! Subtract 274 from Tuesday! Ha!

Crazy Sister said...

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy', the little girl asks,'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks.'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Femina said...

Three statisticians decide to try their hand at archery.

The first statistician shoots an arrow and it lands one metre to the left of the target.

The second statistician shoots an arrow and it lands one metre to the right of the target.

The third statistician looks at the target, looks at both the arrows and yells, "We got a bullseye!"

Femina said...

Two racehorses are in their stable having a chat. One says, "I can't believe how fast I was in that last race - it was by far my best time ever. It's weird, though... I had this sharp pain in my hindquarters just before the race started." The second horse says, "Funny you should mention that. I had MY best time ever in my last race - I finished two minutes ahead of all the other horses. And I felt a sharp pain in MY hindquarters too! How strange."

A dog walks by and says, "You horses are idiots. Don't you release you've been injected with performance enhancing drugs? That's why you did so well - you were drugged and the race was rigged!"

There is a long, stunned silence. Finally one of the horses turns to the other and says, "I'm so shocked. I just can't believe it..... a talking dog!"

Femina said...

Q: Where do pirates keep their buccaneers?
A: Under their buccan hats


Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. "The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound judgment and that you have a sound mind. "The bad news is that, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Femina said...

An inflatable boy wakes up in a foul mood. He goes to his inflatable school and immediately misbehaves in class. When the inflatable Principal attempts to discipline him, the inflatable boy whips out a knife and stabs him. Panicked at what he has done, he runs off, stabbing aimlessly at his inflatable school on the way out.

The police chase the inflatable boy and eventually surround him. Seeing no other option available to him, the inflatable boy stabs himself, and slowly slips into unconsciousness.

Some time later, the inflatable boy wakes up in a hospital bed. Sitting by the side of the bed is his weary and deflated Principal. The Principal shakes his head sadly and says, "Son.... you've let me down, you've let the school down, but worst of all you've let yourself down...."


Three Frenchmen were defining savoir-faire. The first said, "If I come home and find my wife in bed with another man, say 'excuse me' and leave, that is savoir-faire."

"No," the second insisted, "If I come home and find my wife in bed with another man and say, 'excuse me, please continue,' that is savoir-faire.

"Au contraire," said the third. "If I come home and find my wife in bed with another man and say, 'excuse me, please continue,' and he CAN continue, then he has savoir-faire."

Femina said...

This is not a joke but a true story. I was staying with my parents a couple of years ago during a run of very hot weather. Two things you need to know here:

1. My dad has industrial deafness and often needs things repeated.
2. I drink a lot of tea.

I was washing up one night and said to my dad, "This weather has been so hot... my tea consumption is down." He looked at me, clearly struggling to work out what I'd said, and replied, "...your cheese and pumpkin... what??"

I laughed so hard I was hanging on to the sink, crying into the dishwater...

♥ bfs~"Mimi" ♥ said...

I may have to print out your comments and save the jokes for a rainy day!

I'm sorry that you are down right now -- but happy that baby is going to be okay. I know you're on a rocky road. Our daughter had 2 c's. Thankfully, you have a good doctor who caught this early.

Bloggy friends around the world will lift you in pray 'cause we care, and you are dear to us.

Anonymous said...

You have a wonderful sister, and some great friends.

Mrs. Tantrum said...

Thanks to Crazy Sister I am sitting at my desk with wet pants!

From Bacon - "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

(Hysterical toddler laughter ensues.)

Cazbam said...

And now for the lamest joke you will ever hear:

What's brown and sticky?

A Brown Stick......

What's green and sticky?

A brown stick dipped in green paint.

(You thought i was going to say a green stick didn't you?)

Don't ask me why, but when i first heard this joke i was on the floor in stitches of laughter, me and one of my crazy friends.

You probably won't laugh that much, but feel free to laugh at me though.

I am sending you as many positive thoughts, vibes and prayers as i can possibly muster, and lots of virtual hugs and comfort. Would you like some virtual Ice-cream too? I can arrange that if you'd like?

Sassy Britches said...

These ladies ROCK! I have been behind since I've been out of town, and I was going to comment in commiseration on the last post, but now I see there is some light at the end of the tunnel...some positivity in there somewhere! Yes, cry all you stinkin' want because there is nothing wrong with honest human emotion. I'm not gonna tell you to go easy on yourself with all that you do for your family (even though you SHOULD) because I know you won't anyway! :) So, have a good cry now and again, remember Thingamababy is in there feeling all the crying too (so maybe have it out in a few big cries now and again instead of lots of little ones), take care of yourself, and remember those blessings--they will help you in even HARDER times than now. LOVE to you!!!!