22 January 2010

Friday Worry Horse Handicap

AND they're running! 

  • [Please, for the love of all that is good, read this first, otherwise you'll think I'm so crazy you'll never come back to Killing A Fly ever again.]
'Blood Pressure' and 'Lack of a Doctor' came out very strongly, followed by 'Churches Just Want You To Fill Their Rosters' and 'I Don't Want To Die.'

'Troublesome Plumbing' and 'Haiti and Smith' still looking very worrying on the rails; 'Husband Back At Work' close behind vying with 'Nat's Starting School And I Haven't Bought His Full Uniform Yet' on the outside.

What's this? A surprise horse has broken through a barrier and is running alongside the others - it seems it's from a neighbouring stable and is called 'Periodically Leaking Breasts' and is currently edging out 'Husband Back At Work' for seventh place.

As we turn the corner into mid-afternoon, a quick trip to the friendly and reassuring Dr M caused three horses to lose their footing and drop back in the field ... 'Churches Just Want You To Fill Their Rosters' and 'Troublesome Plumbing' leading the field now while 'Blood Pressure', 'Lack of a Doctor' and 'I Don't Want To Die' bring up the tail.  'Periodically Leaking Breasts' has given up the chase and leaves the field without finishing.

Husband spent the day 'working from home' so 'Husband Back At Work' is no longer a contender for the cup, better luck next time to the horse from The Stables of Paid Employment.

'Haiti and Smith' falling behind as we come into the home straight, possibly indicating what a self-absorbed prat I've become.  OH!  And a terrible fall there for 'Nat's Starting School And I Haven't Bought His Full Uniform Yet' - it seems a late trip to Big W and Mum has bought three pairs of shorts and ten (ten?) pairs of socks!  So Nat will go to school fully clothed, and this worry horse, for one, will fail to finish ... The officials will enter the course now and erect a discreet screen ...

Coming up to the finish line now, all medical and death-related horses are far behind, 'Troublesome Plumbing' and 'Churches Just Want You To Fill Their Rosters' are digging deep for first place, it's neck and neck, the financial horse struggling to gain supremacy over the bottomless pit of ministry involvement, but, no, it's 'Troublesome Plumbing' by a nose, 'Troublesome Plumbing' wins the Friday Worry Horse Handicap, very narrowly followed by 'Churches Just Want You To Fill Their Rosters' for second and 'Haiti and Smith' finishing strongly and rounding off the trifecta.

Possibly a disappointing finish for 'Haiti and Smith', I'm sure that many would have hoped for a big finish for the other-centred horse today.

Here in the Worry Horse TAB lunchroom, we're not too sure about the form of 'Blood Pressure' and 'Lack Of A Doctor' - depending on how things go with Dr M and a higher dose of medication, these horses may eventually be scratched from future races. 

'I Don't Want To Die' is certain to be rested now, but will surely make another appearance in the future - keep an eye out for that one.  'Periodically Leaking Breasts' may be legitimately entered in a future race but only when 'Troublesome Plumbing', 'Churches Just Want You To Fill Their Rosters' and 'Haiti and Smith' have run their courses.  Whenever 'Periodically Leaking Breasts' does run, the jockey is sure to wear colours that show up the wet patches.

Thankyou for joining us for Friday's Worry Horse Handicap.  Please join us next time.  Until then, Goodbye.

6 comments:

Crazy Sister said...

I'm picturing "Periodically Leaking Breasts" wearing light blue, I think.

Hey - perhaps you could make the horses take each other out? Is there something like bodyline tactics in horse racing?

Tell the church that you can't lead creche, as your breasts are leaking far too much. Then, go to Haiti to see Smith, and leave your mains water switched off, so there's no plumbing problem!

Givinya De Elba said...

Brilliant.

Emily Sue said...

This is the most wonderful thing I've read all day. Without making light of your worry horses, that is.

And the fact that it was inspired by Adrian Plass warms my heart.

The word verification tonight, BTW, is strep. Given the tonsils, it should really be your sister's word...

Jen said...

Kate,
You crack me up!

The Working Mum said...

Periodically leaking breasts? I laughed so hard I snorted orange juice out my nose! It burns a little...

We would totally go walking, because I bought a toddler seat when I bought the pram because I like to plan freakishly far ahead - we could just stick Doeff in there when Nat and Anna get tired from running. Wow, what a cunning plan! Now to overcome the distance...

CraftyMummy said...

Jen has summed it up for me:
Kate, you crack me up!