Would you like fries with that?

I had bathed my two kids and was struggling to dress Smoochy Girl. She hates lying on her back while I do the nappy and pyjamas.

She kicked and screamed and tried to roll over. She escaped from my grasp and pulled herself up to stand on the change table so she could reach the light switch. I tried to dress her in that position but it was impossible. I continued trying to get her pants on her kicking legs while I held her around the middle with one arm. No luck.

I then assumed the Last Resort Position. I sat on the floor with a naked, kicking, screaming baby lying on her back on the floor in front of me. I put each of my feet on a tiny flapping arm to pin them down while I used both my hands to get each of two kicking, thrashing legs into its respective pants leg.

I am a master.

I was in this position when Sonny Ma-Jiminy assumed his pose between the column heater and the wall. The column heater became his serving counter, and he was determined to sell me a 'burger'. Naked. Because it was such a convenient time.

Smoochy: [loud screaming]

Sonny: What will you have Mummy?

Smoochy: [continued loud screaming]

Sonny: What will you have Mummy???

Me: I - um - oh. LIE STILL!

Sonny: WHAT WILL YOU HAVE MUMM-EEE?!?!?

Me: I can't hear you over this - OH! Just a little bit longer - you can crawl away once you're dressed!

Smoochy: [continued loud screaming]

Sonny: Mummy! ... What! ... Will! ... You! ... Have!?!

Me (losing it): I'LL HAVE A LONG HOLIDAY ON A DESERTED ISLAND!!! WITH FRIES, THANKS!!!

Sonny: Here's your burger. (Hands me an imaginary burger.)

Me: (Sigh) I guess that'll have to do.