Just wipe the makeup off so I can put some antiseptic on my bites, thanks

To my Mary Kay Cosmetic Consultant,

You are no doubt wondering why I cried off all my makeup once we were done today, and why I went home without spending lots of money on all your Simply Must-Haves.

Perhaps I can ask a few questions so we can determine exactly where I am coming from. Questions about YOU.

When you go to sleep at night, do you have a bedroom? Do you sleep in a bed? I don't.

Do you store your clothes in a cupboard? Do you have a chest of drawers? And where on earth do you keep all your wonderful Mary Kay cosmetics? A make-up box, or something? I don't have any of those things.

Do your children have their clothes neatly stored in cupboards and drawers in their own rooms? That doesn't happen here.

Are all your possessions easily accessed? Perhaps your possessions are not inside thirty black plastic bags in the sun.

Are you able to spend money on more cosmetics without worrying about the costs of current medical tests and treatment, plus the concern of ongoing medication costs? I can't say I am free of those worries.

From the sound of your Lovely Legs Pamper Session, it seems that you and many other women have legs that have not been ravaged by parasitic blood sucking insects for months on end. Lucky you. Perhaps you do not try to hide your legs in every occasion, for fear they will be commented on. Again, lucky you.

So, just to clarify, you don't have people in your life who ask (and ask) question (after question) about your bed bug bites, pressing (and pressing) for more information on the horrible disfigurement that is now your legs. No? Just checking.

And let's just think for a moment about the purpose of the cosmetics you're selling. Do you have somebody in your life over the age of five who has time to look at your face for long enough each day to actually notice that you've gone to the bother of using makeup? What a charmed life.

Well, nevermind. Perhaps we're just a little too different. Maybe you shouldn't expect me to stock up on cosmetic products to the extent that you have.

Oh, by the way, thanks for the lovely little blurb you gave us on how wonderfully your life works. All that wife-ing, mothering, part-time work on top of your Mary Kay Cosmetic Consulting. You are really tremendously perfect aren't you? How wonderful for you to have it all worked out.

How I envy your perfect little bed-bug free existence, with your attentive, loving husband, two perfect children, and your wonderful Ultimate Mascara with Smart-Wiper Technology.

I tried to see the purpose in the Creme-to-Powder Foundation, the concealer that honestly could be used all over my face, the Eye Primer, Eyeliner and Eye Colour, oops I forgot the Mascara, the Age-Fighting Lip Primer, Lip Liner, Lipstick and Lip Gloss, and then the Signature Cheek Colour. Sorry I had to call a halt after that. I can't imagine how drastically my priorities in life would have to change before I even CARED enough to consider spending money on any of these products.

I cried off all the eye makeup. Then I dealt with the stuff on my lips by consuming an unwisely large amount of Sonny Ma-Jiminy's leftover birthday cake.

Regards, Givinya de Elba, (givin' ya de huge elba' today!!)