14 March 2008

AUDITIONS - Presenter in New Reality Cooking Show

Auditions will be held for the position of television presenter to front a new reality cooking show called "THE PRESSURE COOKER". The standard format of cooking shows will be modified to present a more realistic perspective on the culinary pressures experienced by 90% of the cooks in the country.

The show will be composed of the following segments:

Part 1 will be set in a supermarket and will involve the presenter shopping for the ingredients required in the day's dinner time menu. To increase the realism, the presenter will be accompanied by a number of small children.

The first will be too young to walk but will scream when placed in the seat of the trolley and will need to be carried all around the store. The second will strongly object to everything the presenter says and does and will end up screaming and dragging him/herself around the store, complaining loudly that his/her "legs don't work" because they are "broken."

Additional children may be added as the series progresses.

In Part 2 the presenter will demonstrate for the audience the preparation, cooking and serving of the episode's recipe. The children will again feature in this segment and will demand attention from the presenter in various ways.

  1. The preparation will be done in small spare areas in the kitchen that are not taken up by dirty dishes, various piles of mess and non-kitchen-based items as placed there by the children such as plastic golf balls rolling around on the floor. No other production staff will prepare the ingredients and put them neatly in little glass dishes ready for use: the presenter will start from first principles using ingredients hastily taken out of the still-packed shopping bags.
  2. The cooking will be done while one child attempts to climb up the presenter's legs, moaning and whinging, and the other child loses control of his/her bowel and bladder outside on the path requiring instant cleanup done by the presenter.
  3. The serving will be achieved after a search in the cupboards, drawers and dishwasher to find the appropriate number of matching plates, knives, forks and drinking glasses on which to serve the recently-prepared meal. During this time, one of the children will use coloured markers to desecrate an area of the house and require instant cleanup done by the presenter.

After the presenter completes a quick segment involving bathing and dressing the children, reading stories and putting them to bed, the clean-up will be completed (again with no input from other production staff, as is common in other cooking programs.) In this segment, the presenter will be allowed a large bottle of wine to assist in the process.

Features of this segment will include pieces of sticky rice adhering to the presenter's feet during the cleanup, slight intoxication of the presenter, avoidance of physical obstacles e.g., unpacked shopping baggs, inability to use the sink zpace to rinse dirrty itemz due to the fact that the sinks have been piled high with same drty items, a growing intoxicaatiion of the presntrr, the shock discovvrry of a meltd puddl of ice-craem leaking from one of the unpacked shopng bagss, a quick lie-down on the couch, jsut a quick one wake me up in ten minutss, zat one of the kids cryng? Somebody? Um.. nother ten minntss....


Givinya De Elba said...

On behalf of "Crazy Sister" whose computer is notallowing her to log in as her rightful self and comment:

"I'd like to audition for that - I have exactly that sort of experience. I'd also like to add that instead of a panel of appreciative tasters, the contestent serves it up to choruses of, "I HATE this dinner - what is it?" "I'm only hungry for chocolate" and a phone call from someone who's running three hours late and will get McDonalds instead. Contestent must eat 85% of dinner herself and package the rest to rot slowly in the fridge."