03 July 2009

Who am I kidding?

I have been telling you that there's nothing to blog about.

The truth is that the risk in this otherwise-healthy pregnancy and upcoming ultra-surgical birth is consuming all my thoughts every day. (Cos I can't do anything without wondering if it will cause a bleed, I can't plan for the birth without facing the fact it will be a caesarean, and I can't pee without being compelled to check if I'm actually bleeding. And I pee a lot.)

I thought that I was really only dealing with a small chance of bleeding a bit over the next few weeks, and then a standard caesarean which was going to make all the stress go away. And I was getting my head around it. Slowly.

But today's appointment had me in floods of tears, both during and for hours afterwards. I didn't want to hear all the risks. I sort-of know them, I carry them loosely around with me in the far-back recesses of my brain, and that's all I need right now.

However, 'informed consent' means I have to be told, clearly and without any chance of hiding beneath the chair before they speak, that with my major placenta praevia, I will probably have bleeds (in fact, it's pretty surprising [but awesome] that I haven't had any yet), I am likely to bleed a lot during the birth, and a transfusion is likely to be needed. Not just minute possibilities here, this is what they are preparing for on the day of the birth.

They have bumped another lady off the list of caesareans in order to fit me in.

Instead of doing 3 caesareans in a day, they will only plan to do 2. This is because mine carries the added risk and the added complication and ... oh my goodness.

Sometimes, it's like there is a little janitor inside my brain and when I have reached my capacity in terms of stress and worry, he walks around my grey matter and flicks the lights off one by one. It's a self-protection thing. Today the lights started going off in my head when the doctor reminded me that in extreme cases if bleeding can't be stopped, a hysterectomy is sometimes needed.

I mean, I knew that.

I'd read it somewhere.

And although I'm not much of an "It'll never happen to me" sort of girl, I guess I must have read it and thought ... oh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know I-don't-know-IdontknowIdontknowIdontknow.

Right now, I need to surround myself with positive people. And I also need to talk. Can I talk here? I mean: really talk? Some of you commenters have been wonderful - you seem to have really heard what's going on inside my head, my passionate natural-birth head, and have met me where I am. You've comforted me and said what I need to hear, without needing to beat your own drum.

Can you do it again? I think I need to talk. I need to relive Smoochy Girl's birth, I need to gripe that I never get to talk about other stuff anymore (sacro-iliac-related whinging, pregnancy carpal tunnel, baby's head smashing the insides of my hip bones, and WOW it feels low! ...etc) and there will probably be more.

Sorry. But it's my blog, and even though I won't be eloquent, I need to write. There might be God-Stuff, there might be too little God-stuff for a Christian's blog, but either way, I know my Christian and non-Christian readers alike will take me as I am. Thanks.


Femina said...

Okay, firstly, this is YOUR space. You can say whatever you darn well please and if there are comments you don't like, for whatever reason, delete them. Delete them forever and don't think twice about it. Why? Because this is YOUR space. YOU are the supreme ruler of Killing a Fly and this is not a democracy.

Secondly, it's true that statistically the worst possibilities probably won't happen to you but anyone who thinks you won't worry about them is a fool. Of course you will and I'm not going to say "try not to think about them" because I don't see how you can NOT think and worry and be stressed.

The little janitor inside your head IS a self-protection mechanism. Sometimes we do need to push things aside for a while and guess what? God designed our brains to do exactly that. He gave you that little janitor to enable you to deal with only as much as feels safe for you. (Trust me, I have some experience in this...)

So... talk when you need to talk and stop when you need to stop. This is about YOU, and doing whatever YOU need to do to cope right now. Today it might be talking. Tomorrow it might be watching 6 hours of DVDs and letting the kids play in the dirt, and avoiding the topic of pregnancy at all. Whatever. Right now this is about coping, not about being superwoman.

I have absolutely no experience in what you're going through but I do have experience in trying to cope with things that totally suck and that you can't change, so any time you want to talk, you know my email address. I think I'm on Google Talk too but I'm not sure I know how to use it. I should probably try to work that out some time...

And finally, but by no means in last place, I'm sending you many prayers and cyber-hugs.

Heather said...

(((HUGS))) and prayers and a listening ear always, always here for you, my friend.

tinsenpup said...

I'm not one of those "It'll never happen to me" people either, but I really think that sometimes it's okay to just call that little janitor, 'instinct' and let that instinct tell you that you and your baby are going to be okay. You know the risks. You know it's all going to be very challenging. Now you can let the janitor do his work and worry as little as you can possibly get away with.

I'm thinking of you.

Joy said...

I've been gone a couple of weeks, so I'm catching up. I've never had placenta praevia. But I've had 2 c-sections. I'm so glad they are preparing for your birth and sounds like you will be getting top-notch care the day you go in and making you a priority so that is comforting. (goodness, that was a run-on sentence) :)

Write what you need to. I'll read it. I wish I could make it better. I'd do it. I'm praying!


Life With Jack said...

I am so sorry that you have all of these worries swimming around in your head. I can't imagine the stress that this is putting on you. ((((HUGS)))) It sounds like you are in great hands and they are well-prepared for your birth. I am praying that things will go as smoothly as possible. I wanted to share this verse with you - I have to remind myself of it VERY often. :)

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Philippians 4:6-7 (The Message)

Tracy P. said...

I do solemnly promise to take this as an opportunity to refrain from whacking and instead play ukulele music to soothe your worried heart. Because I bought some for Bethany's luau, thinking it would be rousing "Do the Limbo" music, when actually it was calming "Watch the Sunset" music. It has no words.

Praying for some calm sunset moments for you. Blog away!

Kaye said...

It sounds like you are just totally overwhelmed which you have every right to be, but I am a RN and it sounds like they are doing the right things in preparation for your baby. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Worrying is not going to help you or your baby so please take it easy and remember that people that you don't even know are thinking of you and yours.

Jen said...

You write away my friend. I know this is really scary but you can do it. I know you can. This will all be a very distant memory soon and we will laugh about it.

I am here to talk, if you want. :)

Swift Jan said...

I love life with Jack's verse. Very appropriate & I hope it gives you comfort.

I love what Femina wrote too & completely agree with her!!

Thinking & praying for you lots! xoxoxxoxxox

Crazy Sister said...

Oh wow, I wasn't aware of some of those risks. I don't know what to say. We all want to comfort you, but... how?

This baby sure will be a hard-won prize!

Crazy Sister said...

I remember the how frightening even the standard caesarian consent form was. Points 'a' through to 'n' of the worst things that could happen, and you have to sign to say you understand.


On a postive note... we're coming to visit you! Perhaps we could do some stress-relieving kickboxing on your computer. Another positive note - I'm bringing you some Janet Evanovich books! You can still laugh, can't you?

Cazbam said...

It's your blog. It's your corner of the world. You do what you want. It's like that song...
"It's my party and i'll cry if i want to....cry if i want to"

Thinking and praying for you and your family.


le @ thirdontheright said...

oh honey - poo bum ... I always feel so hopeless and lacking in a good solution when I come in and read of dear ones in troubled situations ... I know you are not expecting a solution from blog world but it would be nice if we had one.

magic wand time :)

sending all my love and good vibes le xoxo

musingwoman said...

I'm listening. (((hugs)))

Sassy Britches said...

Girl, GET IT OUT! We're here.

Givinya De Elba said...

Y-you mean ... write about it or ... get the baby out?

I plan to have both done by the end of the month.

Anonymous said...

This is your blog! Write what you need to write. They are your feelings and you have every right to them. If some folks can't handle it, well then, they can just take their ball and go home!

You are in my prayers.

Nana Tantrum