17 March 2009

Misery Town?

I've just been to Toowoomba and back. You know - the new town we're moving to just before Easter? I've been pretty excited about it recently, truth be told, having found a totally gorgeous house in a great location for our little family to move into.

But it seems that during the last few visits up there, I've come back miserable.

It all starts as we drive up the mountain range to get there. Driving from Ipswich, we've been bathed in bright warm sunlight and everything seems happy. Then as we approach the range, things change.

Now I can't draw, I don't have a camera, my phone takes poxy pictures and I can't Photoshop to save my life, so I've whacked this up in MS Paint. This is my representation of what one sees as one drives up the range towards our NEW HOME:

One minute we're driving along happily, bathed in sunlight, and five minutes later we're covered by a thickly overcast sky and often plunged into fog. In a way, it dampens the spirits.

This most recent visit was also made miserable by a visit to my new hospital to see a new team of doctors, none of whom know anything about my blood pressure. They certainly don't understand that yesterday's slightly elevated reading (which may be "high" for some people) was in fact "really quite good" for ME, particularly for ME SITTING IN FRONT OF A DOCTOR, which is one great trigger for high BP in the first place.

The same reading that my GP treats as "good for me at the doctor" turned into "grounds for closer monitoring" and now I feel like I'm on that steep slope towards too many tests and too much concern.

Aside:Because of the difficulty parking around the hospital, I spent an hour and a half walking around town waiting for a good time to be picked up.


This would have been the first 90-minute period I've had for months in which I've had nothing to do. I'm not saying the first 90-minute period when I've been able to rationalise de-prioritise things I don't want to do. I mean that truly, I was in no position to do any washing, cleaning, childcare, work, NOTHING.

I have dreamed of this sort of situation for months. Of course the only thing I wanted to do was curl up and have a sleep but when you're walking around town, that isn't an option. My grumpy, tired, sore, overweight self decided that it was preferable at that stage to become a homeless person, just so that a quick nap on a bench would be appropriate.

Back to the Dissection of Misery:

I guess it comes down to this: I never feel so alone and unsupported as when I am pregnant. Each pregnancy has seen me shed countless unseen tears through sheer aloneness and emptiness at these times when the physical and emotional struggle has been the most exhausting.

And this time, all that comes with the sale of a house I have loved, the purchase of a house that I hope I will love, and moving a houseload of stuff to a new town. Along with changing doctors and hospitals and churches and friends ... as if the current ones are disposable.

When I feel like this, I need to surround myself with positive, cheery people. They help so much when my own cheer and positivity wears thin. It's just that I'm leaving all my positive people behind me. I haven't found new ones yet.

So here's my plan: We take our OWN sunshine up there with us, and make our OWN joy. I bet we'll find that the sun does actually shine of its own accord and joy already exists there, but it's a great plan just in case, don't you think?


Sassy Britches said...

I think that'd the best plan I've heard in a long time. Take us with you, too, in case you need a boost with some of that sunshine making!

P.S. PLEASE tell me you really took a nap on that bench!

Hippomanic Jen said...

Toowoomba - famous for it's Gardens, the Easter Gospel Music Festival, and FOG. Fog does seem to take the fun out of life, and it seems with everything else you don't need that.

I'm with you on the 'take your own sunshine with you' to get through the tough days.

And I think the hardest thing would be having new doctors, particularly when you're pregnant. They just don't know you, so at least you know that the tests that they want to do are for THEM, nothing to do with how YOU're going.

And, sweetie, the friends you leave behind will still love you. I didn't dispose of you when I moved away, did I? It can be harder to keep in touch at a distance, but if they are good friends they'll make the effort. How many miles did you travel to be my Brideswoman? Hmmm?

I wish I'd been in Toowoomba for that 90 minutes and then we could have had a good chat. Or I could have taken you home for a sleep. Or I could have kidnapped you for a really LOOOONG sleep.

Virtual Hugs, Jen.

Cazbam said...

I think it is a fantastic idea. How about we send you some of our sunshine in a monthly care package?? Like those "fruit of the month" type things. Only this will be "The weather in ipswich this month".


Long dark hair, blue eyes said...

I think fog is romantic. You and hubby can kiss and the kids, sitting a few metres away will not be able to see - very very romantic.


Jen said...

the way you ended this is beautiful, we truly do make our own sunshine and I know that you will make it good.

GreenJello said...

I would have taken the nap on the bench, too.

And you have new sunshine inside you right now, just waiting to come out soon to meet you! :)

Tracy P. said...

You are absolutely beautiful. Whether you recognize your feet or not. I love your plan.

I do not for one minute understand the woman who says she loves being pregnant. I loved planning for the new baby. I loved feeling the new baby. I did not. love. being. pregnant. (OK, I just had to go make sure no other commenters said they loved being pregnant. We're safe!)

stefanie said...

I'm with Tracy. Did not love it. Loved my babies, did not love the process. It sounds like your process is much more complicated than mine ever were.

Yes, make sunshine! And when you can't conjure your own, ask for help because if you're anything like me it's a whole lot easier sometimes to hand someone else sunshine than make my own. You've given me plenty of sunshine, and I will gladly try to give some back!

Anonymous said...

I had a friend who was like this with each of her pregnancies, even without all the upheaval you are going through. The day after the baby was born her sun came out again......hormones?
I can't remember how I came across your blog, but it sure does make me smile. Hang on in there.
Anne (UK)