04 January 2009

Because Killing A Fly is my place

I tried to write on 1 January, but I didn't want to be negative, so I left it. I tried again to write on 2 January, but all I had was misery, so I didn't write. Again on 3 January I wanted to write, but I didn't want to start 2009 that negatively. And on 4 January, I despaired of ever writing again.

But I really need to write about what's going on. It's my therapy. I'll try not to ruin my life by disclosing stuff I shouldn't. But if you don't want to read this, it's going to be your responsibility to click that little 'x' at the top-right corner and read something else.

Seriously. Go and read this or this or this or this or this. Anything. Heck, even go and read this. Just don't read what comes next if you don't want sad and grumpy stuff. (Also: I can't help but notice that the number of followers of my blog is dropping slowly as the Funny has dried up and the Sad has entered. I guess we'll watch it go down further!)

I will start with telling you that this move has shocked the socks off me.

Mr de Elba and I didn't have enough time to talk it through properly before we had to give an answer. They offered the job on a Wednesday afternoon and wanted an answer by that same Friday. Mr de Elba, rightly, said he needed longer than that and said he would give his answer the next Monday. But as you can imagine, that is not enough time to consider such an unwelcome life-changing move. Perhaps if we were both desperate to get moving, if we'd got itchy feet and were ready for something new, then the time-frame would have been okay. But given that the exact opposite was the truth, a mere 5 days was completely inadequate. Unfair on me.

I have been deeply hurt when people have expressed unbridled joy at our uprooting. With complete disregard for my utter devastation, they have danced on the grave of my hopes and dreams here, thinking only of what they can achieve or gain by having us move. Unfair on me.

I will be losing my job, my home, my friends, my locality, my everything. In their place - nothing. Not a new job. Nothing. Unfair on me.

I feel sad and angry that I have to leave. I feel betrayed by the powers that be. I feel very confused because I was convinced God had placed us here for a reason, for a long time, too. I feel useless and disposable - after all, what use was my career? What use was my happiness?

And yet, like the consummate doormat I've always been, I am prepared to accept it all. I am now ready to start writing a list up the top of my right sidebar of the things I need to embrace about living in Toowoomba. And I'm not going to lie. Many people have told me things that THEY will think are good for me. And I've smiled and agreed, thinking, "You have no idea what it's really like, do you?" And because Killing A Fly is my place, I'm not going to put these things on my list. I can sacrifice my own opinions on the alter of politeness while I'm talking with you, but I won't force myelf to pretend up there in my list.

And there it sits. The one solitary thing I am looking forward to. Ipswich has put on a few completely ROASTING hot days over the last week, and I know that Toowoomba, no matter how hot, is always cooler and more pleasant than Ipswich. For that, I am thankful.

I will make no mention in my sidebar of the things that rip the guts out of me regarding moving. The fact that Ipswich winters are gorgeous and Toowoomba winters are 6 months of congealed misery will hit home to us first after the move, before we get to enjoy the benefits of our first Toowoomba summer. The losses will be real. But this time, they don't get to make it into the sidebar.

For my sanity, only the good will make it onto my list. And so far, that means: The Summers.


Femina said...

Firstly, I want you to know I'm praying for you. A lot. (I usually use your real name in case God doesn't know who I'm talking about...) I'm not praying that you'll suddenly have a change of heart and everything will be sunshine and rainbows; I'm praying that God will continue to sustain you and that you'll feel his comfort and presence even in the midst of feeling totally crap.

Secondly... I'm wondering if maybe it's time to Talk To Someone. I'm a firm believer in seeing a counsellor BEFORE everything falls apart completely and I find it very helpful to talk with someone who's outside my situation and outside my head. I tend to treat counselling like seeing my GP - when I'm feeling bad I'll go often and when I'm feeling good I'll still go a couple of times a year for a 'check up'. I take care of my health in all other ways; why should taking care of my mental health have a lower priority?

If you see your GP and get a referral to a psychologist you can get a $76.75 rebate per visit for up to 18 visits per calendar year.

Of course it's entirely up to you but keeping all this in, and smiling and nodding all the time is either going to lead to a great big explosion or a great big slide into depression. And neither of those are options you'd like, nor are they options that we, your friends, would like to see for you.

Great big virtual hugs to you. And not-so-virtual prayers. xo

Tracy P. said...

More virtual hugs here. It's your blog and you can cry if you want to. (If you were in the US, you would start humming now. Does that translate?) It's such a challenge to find the healthy place between self-pity and pretending. I suppose it's called "real". I would be right there where you are. No grave dancing out here--just prayers.

Givinya De Elba said...

Thankyou so very much. That you aren't dancing on the grave means so much to me. And the prayers, so precious. Thankyou.

...cry-y-y if I want to ... you-u-u would cry too if it happened tooo yooou...

Sassy Britches said...

I'm right there with Femina. Definitely talk to someone professionally. I'm a big advocate of that too! Especially when you're to be so far from support systems.

And I will be staying with you no matter what. So, funny or sad, you're stuck with me! :)

Anonymous said...

Sending good thoughts your way, hope things get better soon.

stefanie said...

I'm praying for you too, and I don't even know your real name. That's ok because God does, and you are so very precious to Him.

Hippomanic Jen said...

I will pray. I will ring. Then I will pray some more.

Anonymous said...

We are living in town number nine, and I shed tears every shift, even when I didn't like the town we were leaving! The best thing about moving from any town is being able to go back, and you don't ever lose the real friends you leave behind. One warning, your Christmas card list will grow, unless you are really good at writing letters and can afford huge phone bills to keep in touch throught the year!
Judy B
PS Another warning, don't cry while packing the towels ... there is nothing worse than unpacking slightly salty and mauldy towels.

Adelaine said...

Check out this book - I hear that it is good -


tinsenpup said...

I am thinking of you, Givinya and I know that this is all just awful for you after all you've been through. Thank you for sharing your journey with us through laughter and grief.

Crazy Sister said...

No dancing here either - I can see how much you're losing.

Keep blogging about it. Killing a Fly is for you, not anyone else.

Le @ third on the right said...

oh honey I am so sad that you are so sad ....

I can imagine you know all the logical stuff, the very short distance between your current home and your home to be, that Toowoomba winters are lovely really - I did two of them just recently and of course your god goes too - he is non geographically aligned :)

please smile .... do happy to be happy ... change is good for the soul ... etc etc etc

and your sis is right keep purging here ...

are your current circle really dancing on your grave or just bearing up the positive side of life in a usual human way of looking on the bright side ...

my oh my I wish I could bottle some of my 'happy move emotions' and send it to you ....

this is a buggar of a place to be for you and I feel your angst - sending all my good thoughts to you le xoxo

Amanda said...

Sorry that you're having such a bad time about this move. I hope you get past this grotty stage soon. I haven't got any sage words to offer - apart from to steer clear of the grave-dancing types for the time being and to stick to talking and being with those who really understand what you're feeling. Any change that isn't under our direct control is a traumatic one which takes a lot of adjustment - a period of grieving, if you like. Keep telling that God of yours exactly how you feel about things and eventually you'll turn yourself around and see a path through it.

Wishing you all the best and sending supportive thoughts across the miles,


Mrs. Tantrum said...

I am thinking that not only is Toowoomba cooler in the summer...it is:
- Much more fun to say that you LIVE there.
- Makes a catchy name for a band.
- Sounds like a tasty sweet snack.

It also sounds like they have something that we call here in the Northwest of the US SEASONS. (True WINTER, SPRING, SUMMER, and FALL) not just HOT, HOTTER, SCORCHING and HUBS OF HELL! That will be very nice for you, it will make you appreciate nature more.

Plus, no matter what, you will have ALL OF US. And we aren't going anywhere...you couldn't get rid of us if you tried. If you get too sad I am getting my kayak, and calling the Big Guy and we are coming for tea and biscuts!

Dee from Downunder said...

I used to go to Toowoomba for horse shows in the middle of winter and sleep in a caravan... chilly. The beauty of Toowoomba is its size, and variety and diversity of locations to live in. But you know all that.

I totally understand your sadness, with such little time to make a decision on such a big change, the feeling of being a doormat too, not a nice feeling. Maybe next time you feel the need to smile politely - don't. Say what you feel, and you may feel a lot better for it.

Louisa said...

Oh hun,
I am so sorry you are going through all this! Thanks for letting me know you'd written this, I haven't visited for a couple of days so missed this post. I will be praying for you. Moving away from everything you know and everyone you love SUCKS. The only thing I know, that I hold onto is that God uses EVERYTHING, even the crap times. Everything you go through with this and everything that happens won't be wasted. I don't mean to sound trite in saying that but to encourage you that one day...and in the meantime we're walking with you and upholding you in prayer! With love, Louisa

Sunangel said...

I will follow you even if you are not funny because that is how I am. I can say honestly that I know how you feel since I am married to a US service man. I know that I knew about moving when I married him but that does not make the move any easier. He moves to a new job, with people that are obligated to be pleasant (and many he already knows) while I find the grocery store, public library, schools, gymnastics academy, etc. and try to make it all fit into a schedule that involves unpacking boxes and figuring out finances.
I agree with those that recommend talking to someone. If only as a safe place to vent out the anger and sadness. This someone won't be obligated to "fix" the situation by telling you how happy you should be with things, etc.
You have good reason to feel as you do and you are in my thoughts and prayers.