New Family Rules

They say when you make rules for your family, you should keep them few in number by making them broad, and you should make them positive instead of negative.

Obviously, it hasn't been working. Airy-fairy rules like "Respect each other" and "Keep our home tidy" are an absolute joke. After this disastrous morning, I propose a few new rules. They are negative and they are specific. Watch out.

DO NOT wake up at 5:00am and shout "Mummy! Come in here!" to say you've got the light on and are reading books.

DO NOT at 5:30am shout, "Mummy! Come Here! Change my nappy!"

DO NOT at 6:00am decide to feed yourself breakfast. DO NOT fill a bowl with a man-sized serve of Weet-Bix, slop it up with milk and leave 7/8 of it to sit and rot.

DO NOT at 6:30am wake up your sister and enter her room. DO NOT do anything to her that may make her scream her lungs out.

DO NOT after being brought into the big bed dare to crack Mummy over the head very hard with a ukulele. Having big brown eyes and being Very Small will not allow you leniency.

DO NOT remove from the garbage bin any item I have deemed No Longer A Useful Miniature Musical Instrument and have consigned to the garbage for self-preservation reasons.

DO NOT talk. All that issues from your mouth is either whingeing, the word "Mum" or an inquiry starting with "Why" and ending in absolute nonsense rendering it completely unanswerable.

DO NOT procure a clean pair of underpants, dip them in the toilet bowl and wipe the floor with them.

DO NOT take large handfuls of toilet paper, wet them in the bowl and wipe the floor with them. It is not helpful. DO NOT then leave half of them on the floor and throw the other half high onto the back of the toilet door so they stick there and make the place look like a public lavatory.

DO NOT go away on a conference. Ever Again.

These rules were inspired by events of this morning. It's now 9:00am. There is plenty of time left in the day to think up more.