Thankyou for your comments. I love blogging and will try to keep it up, even if I only have Semi-Blog-Worthy Material to post. With that in mind, let me show you what's on the ABC News site right now, right in the middle of this screen grab:
Let me make that a little larger for you.
On the theme of scraping the barrel of semi-blog-worthy thoughts, would you have a little think about "Love Languages?" If you're not familiar with Gary Chapman's concept of the five love languages, maybe you'd like to check it out here. In brief, this paragraph from that linked page summarises the basic concept:
Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
I was thinking about this today, because I noticed how deflated I became as I was doing something with a group of talented people (not perfectly, but it was okay) but as I progressed, I just didn't receive much in the way of my primary love languages, which happens to be Words of Affirmation. This was through no fault of the talented guys I was working with, it was just not the sort of situation where people stop and give each other a slap on the back, though I made a point of doing it for some of the other guys. Not their fault. I repeat - not their fault.
I was surprised at how quickly I came to suspect that everyone thought I was doing a terrible job, that I was really quite rubbish, and that I should probably stand down and let someone else do it instead.
This begs the question - irrespective of the fact that I thrive on hearing affirming words about me and what I'm doing, why on earth do I need it? Surely I am mature enough to take it for granted that I'm doing a good-enough job, and just get on and do it? It made me feel a little weak, realising that I was wallowing in a pathetic need for affirmation in order to feel strong enough to go on.
So I'm going to ask you - do you know what your Love Language is? Do you thrive on hearing Words of Affirmation, enjoying Quality Time, receiving thoughtful Gifts, accepting Acts of Service or receiving closeness or Physical Touch?
Tell me - how do you deal with times when you feel you really need to receive something in the way of your language, but it's not forthcoming and seems silly to ask for it (e.g., "Hey guys, tell me I'm doing okay, won'tcha?")
Thanks.
8 comments:
I have this theory about love languages (and it may be total crap since I've only done the online quiz and not read the book)... my theory is that when you do the quiz you tend to focus on the things you don't regularly receive. So for me it was practically a tie between words of affirmation and physical touch - and these are the things I didn't have when I was growing up and which I don't really get much now... not because I'm all lonely and pathetic, but because I am not married and I live alone and so in practical terms there are simply far fewer opportunities for these things. If my childhood had been different and my living situation were different now I wonder if my answers would change. Would I still crave words and physical touch if I were receiving them all the time? Not sure...
You just made me very thankful--it's hard for me to figure out my love language because there is nothing here that I particularly crave. I have always thought that it's quality time or acts of service. I think I would key in on acts of service at this point in my life. It's sometimes hard to put into words what you need, especially since there is an emotional component that makes it seem, as you said, "silly". But it's so necessary. Sometimes I do it only after the need becomes a crisis, and then it really isn't pretty.
In your situation, especially, if it's not someone who understands your need, you would be making yourself especially vulnerable to ask for some feedback, if they don't get that what you need is encouragement. Might be better to talk to somebody who is maybe not as competent to judge, but who "gets" you.
My primary gift is also words of affirmation. It's so silly - I will go out somewhere in a new outfit and if no-one comments in it I presume it doesn't look any good (irrational maybe??). Same goes for food I cook or things I make or gifts I give - if I receive no comment I presume they didn't like it.
But in saying that, I find MYSELF not commenting on others sometimes because I presume they know they're good (you know the people - they're just good at everything) - but I know I should say it anyways - who doesn't like to hear nice words?
'audgenh'
I think that Emily Sue has a good point- I often wonder if Physical touch wouldn't be a higher requirement for me and my husband if we weren't both very physically affectionate people already.
It's hard isn't it. I am a quality time/words of affirmation kind of person- and the words of affirmation gets mixed up particularly because I don't often feel good and things I am actually good at.
My husband actually told my boss "Belinda doesn't think she is doing a good job even if she is, so you need to tell her when she's doing a good job". It was a leetle bit embarassing- but it made a huge difference to my feelings about my work when my boss took his advice.
But other than saying "I need to hear I'm doing a good job?" I don't know. I guess its like most things- reminding yourself that your feelings aren't always the best gauge of what's really going on. Training yourself to remember that just because they don't say your doing a great job, doesn't mean they don't think it. But it's hard. Worth getting a good friend/third party in who knows you enough to give you the feedback you need?
btw- Not semi-blog worthy at all :)
love B
This is why blogging is so great. Thanks for your comments, guys.
I've sent some of you a quick email to explain, but Belinda and veiledturnip, you'll have to give me your email addresses if you want to receive it too.
No problem if you want to keep your Internet profile on the down-low though!!
On another note, I'm thinking that if you're not craving any of these 5 ways people express and receive love/concern, I'm thinking you just be receiving heaps of input in your primary love language, and are not feeling like you're missing out! Way to go!
I receive heaps of Words of Affirmation from my husband, and I'm so blessed in that. I just have to be happy with a world in which others aren't so free with their kind and thoughtful words, that's all!
Yes, that's just it with the not craving part--I am being given the gifts of those who speak my language quite consistently. What a blessing!
I'm glad to know that Mr. deElba speaks your language! So important!
Hi Givinya,
I was so excited to come back from the Big Smoke and find you back in the Blogsphere too! I've been missing reading your blog!
I always thought I was a Gifts kind of girl - and made sure CraftyDaddy knew it ;) But I wonder lately whether there's a whole lot of need for Words of Affirmation in me too... and I'm fascinated to find that total strangers who comment on my blog can help with that need...
Funny how we all work, isn't it...
Totally Quality Time for me. When I play music at church and people tell me how good it was, I never believe them anyway! But spend a few minutes after the service chatting to me about rubbish and I know you love me.
Post a Comment