09 August 2009

Meals At Camp (Re-posted)

I am having a lot of trouble thinking of what to blog about. Most of my typing is one-handed nowadays anyway, and on this little notebook I'm currently using, it's easy to mis-hit keys and accidentally delete large blocks of text that were very slow to type out in the first place. So there have been posts that have disappeared and then Blogger has helpfully autosaved the blankness, at which point I've decided to abandon the post and instead to re-read some of my old stuff.

I wondered if I should re-post some old entries, if only to have the same laughs a second time around. Here is my "Meals At Camp" skit - something I'd love to perform one day. Some of the material for this came from church camps held in some very old accommodation that became 'condemned' shortly after our stay; and some from camps in accommodation that perhaps should have been.

A la carte, a la tente
30 Jan 2008

Waiter: Good evening Sir, Madam, welcome to Dinner At Camp. Table for two this evening?

Him: Yes thankyou.

Waiter: Would you like to be seated in the Sun In Your Eyes section, or the Cold Food Served Last section?

Her: Mmm, they both sound good. We'll choose the Sun In Your Eyes section this evening.

Waiter: An excellent choice. Aerogard or Non-Aerogard?

Him: Aerogard.

Waiter: No problem. Please follow me. Now, would you like a drink to start with?

Him: Yes, please. We'll both have a Tank Water With Wrigglers.

Waiter: I'm terribly sorry Sir, due to Health Regulations the Water's been taken off the menu tonight. But I can offer a particularly good Weak Yellow Cordial if you'd be interested?

Her: That sounds lovely. Thankyou. (Waiter leaves.) Wonderful service here, isn't it?

Him: Yes, it is. I've never been seated in this section before. For lunch I was in the Downwind From The Barbecue Smoke section, and for breakfast I was in the Sitting At The Card Table Because I Was Too Late From The Cold Showers section.

Waiter (returns): Are you ready to order, Sir?

Him: Yes thankyou. I'll have the Gluggy Rice with Sloppy Meat ... incidentally, what meat is it?

Waiter: The chef said he's not entirely certain, as it simply says "tinned meat" on the side of the -er- tin.

Him: Never mind, it's just a minor detail. And can I have the Camp Toast with that?

Waiter: Certainly sir. How would you like it done?

Him: Tonight I'll have it cold, moist and leathery thanks.

Waiter: Very good sir, and for Madam?

Her: A very tempting menu. I'll choose the Gristly Chicken with Grey Watery Vegetables, that sounds nice.

Waiter: An excellent choice. And for dessert?

Her: We'll both have the Puddle of Melted Ice-Cream with the Children's Sprinkles, please.

Waiter: Certainly. Will you be having any other drinks with your meal?

Him: Yes, I will have the Lukewarm Tea with a Milk Arrowroot biscuit, and my lovely wife will have - what will you have dear? A Tepid Grey Coffee, thanks. International Roast would be perfect. And two anti-nausea tablets to finish thanks.

Waiter: Lovely. Now do you have any requests for music while you wait?

Him: How about 'The Superman Grace'?

Her: Oh no dear, I cannot bear 'The Superman Grace'. Could we have 'Thank You God For Giving Us Food' instead please?

Waiter: Absolutely, I'll go and tell the musicians directly. Enjoy your Weak Yellow Cordials. (Waiter leaves.)

Her: What a lovely evening. Pass the Aerogard? Thankyou. Could you please spray the back of my nec-

Musicians: THANK you God for giving us food! THANK you God for giving us food! THANK you God for giving us food! Ri-ight where we are!

Him: Oh, I've been meaning to mention how the lovely the decor in the amenities bloc-

Musicians: HAL-lelujah praise the Lord! HAL-lelujah praise the Lord! HAL-lelujah praise the Lord! Ri-ight where we are!

Him: Never mind.


Hippomanic Jen said...

Just as good for a second time!

The Accidental Housewife said...

That's Gold!
I have so many memories of Superman Grace. Do you stand on your chairs to do it? And do I love me some weak yellow cordial.

Femina said...

I cannot tell you how much I wish I DIDN'T understand this post! Having said that, I'm now at a church that doesn't have church camps (combined congregations of ~600 - it's impossible to find anywhere big enough) and I kind of miss the lukewarm tea and gristly chicken. And then there are the showers with only two settings (Shards of Ice or Molten Lava). Mmmm... memories!

Givinya De Elba said...

Ah yes, the Goldilocks Showering Experience. I know it well.

They wre mostly SU camps I was referring to, just called them 'church' for ease of explanation.

♥ Boomer ♥ said...

Have NO CLUE as to what this is all about!! :-) But a fund post!

Tracy P. said...

Our kids' preschool sang the Thank You God for giving us food song before snack. It's one that I actually had NOT heard at camp. We sang "Be Present at Our Table Lord" to several different tunes, most of which I can no longer remember the actual origin of the tune.

Jen said...

Even better the second time!

Sassy Britches said...

Absolutely worth a repeat! I'm still giggling.

tinsenpup said...

This is A1 CLASSIC 'Killing a Fly...', but if you get the chance, can you repost the gymnastics one? It still makes me smile just to think of it.

Heather said...

Bwhahahahaha!! I love it! It's soooo true!

Joce said...

I love it! It rings so true and makes me smile so wide it hurts! My parents used to cater for youth camps while I was growing up, so I almost feel like I not only "grew up in church, but on camp too!

One year we camped at "Camp Gooden" can you guess what we tagged it...?

Yep... Camp "Bad-en"... memories are such sweet things, he, he, he :D