12 February 2009

Alimentary, my dear Caiaphas

I was reading the wonderful Melissa today, and she said "annals."


And this reminded me of a story I've been meaning to tell you. It's childish, it's embarrassing, and it contains a butt-joke. But I still remember it.

When I was in high school, our Youth Group was doing a skit on the time surrounding the death of Jesus to be performed in front of the whole church. I have no idea what part I played, but I do remember two brothers Mark and Jonathan were playing the high priests Annas and Caiaphas respectively.

They were a few years younger than me and strong Christian kids, but their reading of the script was not as fluent and practised as it perhaps needed to be when managing unfamiliar names.

Being a linguistic sort of person and being a forward-planner, I inwardly cringed. Pronouncing weird names was always a hazard when up in front of a church, but making a donkey's breakfast of a name was only terribly bad if there was a chance you could accidentally substitute the name with an embarrassingly intimate body part.

And 'Annas' was in danger if morphing into the exit point of the alimentary canal, if one wasn't careful.

I saw it coming.

In the practises, I held my breath each time Jonathan came up to the part when he had to pronounce the name of his brother's character. "Please, please," I'd think, "Say 'Annas!' Don't say ... you-know-what."

And each time, Jonathan would say "Annas" and disaster was averted.

"Perhaps I'm being silly," I'd think. "In each practice, he's hesitated before the name, but he's never actually made the mistake. Anyway, 'Annas' is a lot easier to pronounce than 'Caiaphas'. He'll be fine."

So on the day of the actual performance in front of the church, I let my guard down. I stopped worrying and I stopped silently willing Jonathan to pronounce the name correctly as I listened from the side. Mark and Jonathan went through their lines a little more nervously than when they were in rehearsals.

Then of course, for otherwise I would not be writing this post, it happened. As clear as a bell, Jonathan said in front of a packed church, "Come along ... uh, Anus. We must be off."


Did he just say Anus?

Someone tell me - are we recording this? Did he just say Anus?

In front of a church full of BAPTISTS?

(I'm not sure that Baptists know about anuses. None of them has ever mentioned the topic to me, anyway.)

It turns out, he did say exactly that. And to this day, I believe it was my fault for letting my guard down and trusting him enough not to require my helpful Willing-Away From Freudian Slips from my position on the sidelines.

This is what happens when I relax, people.


Swift Jan said...

Wow! Were there many chuckles from the pews? hehehehe I bet he was embarrased!!!!

Tracy P. said...

"This is what happens..." *giggle* That explains a lot!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

I was born a baptist... and raised a baptist and i can fully attest that we don't know about...um... those things.

Sassy Britches said...

Seriously, we forward-thinkers have a huge burden to bear, don't we? I wonder if anyone appreciates the extent to which we keep this world turning?

Jen said...

Oh that was great. Too funny, LOL!!!

Joy in the Burbs... said...

From one Baptist to another that is really funny.

I'm sure that went over like a fart in church (as my husband always says)

Thanks for the laugh.


GreenJello said...

Great story!

And that'll teach you. Always gotta be on your guard.

Hairline Fracture said...

I always cringe in situations like that, too! As a preacher's kid, I've been in several church services in which I thought, "Did he just say what I THINK he said?"

Mrs. Tantrum said...

Oh if only I could laugh hysterically at this one. But a VERY close family member of mine is named AMOS, so all my life I have gotten the "ANUS" freudian slip when they refer to him. After the 11 billionth time it looses its funny factor. Although this probably would have made me pee in the pew!

CynthiaK said...

That is priceless. I wish I could have been in church that day!

I don't think we should be afraid of a little butt-joke every now and then. It's healthy to release your inner...tween.

CynthiaK said...

Oh, and whenever I write "Jakers!", you must read it with an Irish accent.

Although...do you actually get JAKERS! with the Irish speaking characters? Or are they dubbed over with Aussie accents?!

Femina said...

Reminds me of the episode of Vicar of Dibley where Songs of Praise came to film in the village and Alice had to read the Bible, including the phrase "the Lord is our succour". When it came to the day itself she read from an older style pulpit Bible with calligraphy, where the 's' looks like an 'f'...

Adelaine said...

Oh that is tooo funny! :)

Just wait until your kiddos learn about the planets and Ur-anus....not my anus :)

Givinya De Elba said...

Wow, I've seen about 2 episodes of The Vicar, and that was one I saw! Thanks for reminding me of that bit - fantastic entertainment!

Oh yes, can't wait for the kids to learn about Ur-anus! Ah well, better to be warned I guess :)

bfs ~ "Mimi" said...


Crazy Sister said...

My old pastor used to refer to the Jews and the Genitiles. Not Gentiles. Gen-i-tiles.

I nearly died trying to be mature and refrain from cracking up.

tinsenpup said...

For goodness sake, Givinya, stay tense. The world will descend into a state of crass chaos without your constant vigilance. :)