You know you're spending too much time online when ...

You know you're spending too much time online when you're reading your Bible, and you mentally go to "click" on Jesus' words in red text ... because it sorta looks like it could be a hyperlink.

Buzz

"Hey Mum!  Come and watch me ride my bike!  I love it when you watch me ride my bike!"  I couldn't resist that.  Sometimes I am concerned that although Jessie is a snuggly, soft Mummy's-girl and Joseph is a baby who wants nothing but cuddles, Buzz sees me as an optional extra.  I am helpful when food is required but basically I am a nuisance and a nag.  Not-nagging him seems only part-way to building a close relationship with him.  He wants me to enter his world, and so there's not much that can keep me away when he asks me to do something with him for the reason that he "loves it" when I do.

We went into the back yard and I did indeed watch, enthusiastically cheering him on as he turned tight corners and rode around and around.  It wasn't long before he was asking to collect on a promise Mr de Elba and I had made on the weekend: to go down to the bike track so he could ride there.

Nothing could have been more inconvenient, but nothing could have been more important to him.  We went.

Three children (some reluctant), two bikes (one inadequate) and one stroller (necessary) were packed into the car and we drove the two minutes to the bike track.  I'm no dummy.  I'm not going to add the downhill distance to the bike track at the beginning, only to find they cannot muster the energy to complete the uphill distance back home after the actual ride.

Once we arrived, Buzz was in his element.  Excited about how much easier it was to ride on the track than the bumpy grass at home, Buzz rode far ahead until the track curved.  Instead of venturing where I couldn't see him, he turned and came back to me.  He rode up and back, up and back while I pushed Woody in his stroller, attempting to ease Jessie out of her inevitable "I Hate This Stupid Bike" tantrum that accompanies any outing involving the Tricycle Of Minimal Torque.

The car was parked close to a small playground where several families were spending the last few daylight hours.  I had only walked a short way when Buzz, having reached the far curve and doubled back, passed me and ended up spending a few minutes in the playground.  When he returned to the track, he pedaled quickly, trying to catch up with me.  It was then that he joyfully informed me of something in the loudest shout that a five-year-old boy can muster while pedaling quickly: "Hey Mum!  Did you notice some dark-skinned people?  Dark-skinned people!  Back there!"

And the ground unmercifully refused to swallow me whole.

When thinking of people from other countries, we want our children to be "colour-blind" but of course they are bound to notice physical differences.  Buzz has a sponsor child and some good friends from church who are Ethiopian, and I think he was quite excited to meet this family in the park.

"I said hello to them," he went on.  "They were nice."  I hoped they understood that his gleeful shout was a mere statement of fact, not a judgment.  We continued our travels away from the park

Eventually, Jessie gave up on the Tricycle Of Minimal Torque.  While I carried it back towards the car, Jessie ran ahead to where Buzz was at the furthest point of his ride.  The fact that she was wearing her SuperGirl Suit made me smile.  I turned to look over my shoulder again just in time to see Jessie catch up to Buzz.  He was riding slowly - too slowly - and then without using his leg to steady himself, he toppled over onto the path.

They were too far away for me to hear or see their facial expressions, but I could tell I was needed by the way Jessie took it in, turned to me, looked again and started running toward me.  Summoning Help.  I abandoned the tricycle and powered back towards Buzz.

The leg of his tracksuit pants had become hopelessly tangled in the pedal.  That was why he didn't use his leg to steady himself.  He wasn't hurt, but he was a bit upset.  He lay on the path gloomily predicting that we were "never ever going to get it unstuck - it's stuck there for ever," which was a little unnerving as I set about the task of ensuring that wasn't going to happen.  It was quite stuck, but I was having none of that.  I ripped it free, Buzz marvelled, and we started back towards the car.

Except of course we needed to have a quick play in the playground first.  Buzz and Jessie played on the climbing frame, Woody sat on a swing, Buzz tried a slide, Jessie joined Woody on the swings, Buzz came over to push Woody who giggled loudly, making Jessie giggle and nearly fall off her swing, which made her shout, "Whooah" and then laugh uproariously.

It was then that I noticed people were staring at me and giving me what I thought were dirty looks.

Specifically 'dark-skinned' people.  I'm sure you saw that punch-line coming.

I smiled at them and chatted to their kids, but it was still awkward so I invoked the Playground Rule (Q: How long do you stay? A: If it really sucks, you don't stay) and we hurried off home.

Dinner was late but I think I achieved something more important this afternoon.

(Providing no race riots ensue.)

Jessie's Whiskers

This morning, Jessie had a complaint for me.  Just to be different.

"You've taken my three whiskers," she grumbled as she ferreted around in my kitchen drawers.

"What whiskers?" I asked.  "You don't have any whiskers.  Certainly not three whiskers."

"These whiskers!" she objected.  "They were in your drawer!  They go in my kitchen!"

Small Boy

One year ago, Buzz was sick, Jessie was having a tantrum and Woody was just born.  

This year, not much has changed.

Except Woody.

Happy Birthday, little boy.

Lies, damned lies, and statistics

To my Electricity Company,

Mark Twain popularised the saying, 'There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.'  I suspect he had seen the final page of my electricity bill.

Over the last two billing periods, I have been puzzled to see the graph appearing on page three of my electricity bill, claiming that my household electricity usage over the last quarter (the enormous grey block on the graph) was approximately twice the average usage in my regional area (the markedly shorter block on the graph.)

Leaky hot water system notwithstanding, I hardly think that we are using twice the energy of average families in my local area.

You stated that you worked out the average by taking all residential customers in my local region who have been billed recently, and then found the median household usage in kilowatt hours.

I am not a statistician, but even I can see the problem with your calculations.  It's apples and oranges, isn't it?

You are comparing my household usage with everyone else's.  You are comparing me, with electricity as my sole power source, with my neighbours, some of whom are using 70% gas or 50% solar energy.  And when I ask my neighbours using gas to add the totals of their electricity and gas bills, their answers prove that we are paying a similar amount in total for power.  Those using solar energy still haven't broken even following the installation of their expensive solar panels.

Clever, and a little bit sneaky.  You're making an unfair comparison and making householders like me feel terrible about our electricity consumption.

Perhaps, in the interests of using statistics with integrity, you would consider removing from each consumer's electricity bill the section comparing their household electricity usage with your meaningless calculation of the regional "average".

It certainly appears that by doing so, you would be able to halve the paper used in each bill from two pages to one, thereby saving paper, and of course the water and -dare I say- electricity consumption involved in its manufacture.

Just a thought.

Statistically yours,
Etc.

Still Laughing

You know that something is truly funny when you are still laughing a few days later.

Tonight I was getting three children into the shower and I suddenly burst out laughing because the following picture from Awkward Family Photos came to my mind as I saw one of my children's dirty shirts:

Photo from http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2010/05/06/behind-the-awkwardness-facial/

This poor blood-soaked birthday boy has made a silly Australian lady laugh while showering her children.  What a community service.

For details on the story behind this photo, follow this link to where the picture appeared on AFP.

The funniest thing I've seen all day

Go HERE for a huge laugh.  Don't spit coffee at your screen, okay?

Nothing stirs up excitement like a half-dead mouse in the house

The title said it all, I thought.

Professor Branestawm's Inventions

I don't know what's going on here, but I'm ready for it to stop.  Last night I gave Buzz and Jessie one chocolate biscuit each after dinner and took them and Woody grocery shopping.

The chocolate biscuit must have done it.

Five minutes after the biscuits hit their tummies, their behaviour went wild!  Buzz and Jessie ran around the shop, under people's feet and in front of the trolley.  They zig-zagged wildly as they laughed and giggled their way across my path and then out of view, only to run under the feet of every shopper in the store.  I employed every single tactic short of spanking, but I was unable to rein them in because I am loathe to 'go postal' at the shops.  Someone could video me on their phone and once on Youtube, it could go viral.  Then of course my life would be over.

It was mortifying.  They are not normally like this.

Ever since then, Buzz, Jessie and Woody have been behaving wildly.  It's been 24 hours now, and I'm beginning to wonder how long it will last.  By the way, the vile hallucinogen that caused this outrage is pictured below as a warning for all parents wanting to avoid similar lunacy:

Dangerous.

I've found their behaviour very difficult to manage while they go through what I can only assume must be withdrawal.  Hence, at dinnertime I was forced to sit them at the table, give them paper and felt pens and ask them to draw me picture after picture after picture to keep them from killing each other or waking up Woody or committing a vile atrocity, the likes of which I have not yet imagined.

In the end, I asked Buzz to draw me (for he LOVES inventions) a Pancake-Making Invention.  I'd had an inspiration - I'd remembered a book I read about twenty years ago called "The Incredible Adventures of Professor Branestawm" by Norman Hunter.  Well, to tell the truth, I found the story a bit too slow for my Famous Five-loving mind, but I did spend ages poring over one picture: the professor's Pancake-Making Machine.  And for some reason, it had popped into my mind and I'd decided to ask Buzz to draw his version, and compare the two.

Google didn't fail me.  I present you with Professor Branestawm's Pancake-Making Machine:

Note the mixing tub, the flipping mechanism and the lemon squeezing device.  Buzz, whose own invention was a conveyor belt for cupcakes, found the Professor's version fascinating and recounted to Mr de Elba later some of the details of how it works.

When searching for the above, I also found the Professor's invention for Peeling Potatoes...

...and his Shower-Bath creation which he demonstrates with a desperately miserable look on his face:

In light of this, I thought of making my own dishwashing invention, but decided it was too far-fetched.

Buzz and Jessie drew their pictures, dinner was cooked and served and baby Woody looked like he was going to sleep through dinner and keep on going until the morning.

He didn't, however, and after the craziness of getting Jessie and Buzz into and out of the shower and into pyjamas (all the while bouncing off the walls) Woody woke up, ate a load of soup, and promptly demonstrated what happens when a small child has a little too much prune juice.

I tell you, I don't know what's going on here, but I'm ready for it to stop.

Don't you just love it when ...

Don't you just love it when you HAD a great plan for shelving for your playroom, but it involved a cabinetmaker and lots of money, and you had to sadly put it on the back-burner, then you get the great idea to use existing shelves and some funky little baskets that end up being MUCH cheaper than the original job was going to cost?