02 October 2010

A Holiday from my Holiday

In Queensland, we're coming to the end of a two-week break.  The first week was taken up with following Mr de Elba on one of his secondary school camps.  We spent a [rainy, overcast] week at the beach and Buzz had the opportunity to be involved in the electives that the teenagers were doing - Extreme Fishing (catching fish and then barbecuing and eating them right there on the boat) and Laser Force.  Buzz and Jessie went to a late-night session at the bowling alley and enjoyed it immensely.  They also followed Mr de Elba to the beach and discovered a love for the surf.  Woody and I stayed close to camp but we did go down to the beach one day.

But for the mother (that's me), the days have been long.  I sarcastically tell myself that although the holiday has been good, I just haven't had enough time to spend in the laundry or the kitchen.  I've kept on being interrupted from my joyful washing or sweeping to be forced to sit down and take it easy, to drink cups of tea made for me and to listen to interminable monologues on how grateful my family are for my tireless 18-hour efforts on their behalf.

For some reason, I inexplicably feel the selfish urge to ask for another little holiday - a real one this time.  I have in mind to take a break away from the laundry and the kitchen I so love, even away from the clamouring of those people I love most dearly, and spend some time receiving cooked meals and not having to clear up unreasonable mess.  A holiday where I wouldn't have nine random items heaped up into my personal space by my dearly loved ones.  A time to rest.  A time to focus on me.

I don't have a lot of money available for such a break, so here's what I have in mind.

What would I have to do (i.e., what crime could I commit) to receive a light custodial sentence of, say, six months to a year?  I should clarify here that I'm not asking for a parole period, and I need to make abundantly clear that I'm talking white-collar resort prison here, not the other kind.

Please bear in mind that as a first time offender, leniency could be a real danger.  The ultimate disaster would be to be given Community Service.  It would be in no way satisfactory to be asked to pick up rubbish beside the road as well as picking up rubbish at home.  The whole point of this exercise would be to avoid the current interminable Community Service I've got going on already.

Please comment with suggestions, and also let me know if you'd be interesting in being involved in the scheme (if you're thinking of some "minor" (ha!) bank heist, I'm going to need some help!)

Bring on The Holiday!


Mamma has spoken said...

Here's the thing. If I did this with you, it would start showing up on my background check that my employer does on me periodically. I need my job until I retire so you'll have to wait 5 more years. Instead I want to take a cruise again. Now there is a place that they wait on you hand and foot. But then it does cost and arm and a leg :o/

Hippomanic Jen said...

You might have to do a couple of small crimes, so that you get past that "first time offender" thing. And definitely NOT community service!!!

Jodie said...

I will stick my hand up and join you. I have a two year old who has the terrible twos bad. Can we make big enough that we are there until he is about 6?

Crazy Sister said...

Yeah, a criminal record would really cramp your exotic travel plans.

Perhaps you need to have a mental breakdown (real or fake) and spend your time in a hospital instead.

I think 6 months would be too long. Your kids would grow too much and you'd have Guilt about not being there for them.

1 month in the loony bin sounds right.

Givinya De Elba said...

I considered the psychiatric facility and discounted it before I wrote the post.

I am, as you may understand, trying to get away from Real Life.

Ha ha! Sorry, Real Life! Only kidding!

A little bit.

Heather said...

*snort* While the post made me laugh, the two comments directly above this made me ROFL.

I totally hear you, my friend. I really do!

(WV word is "emerm" which I think is rather fabulous. I'm going to work that into conversation today.)

CC said...

School has only been in session for about 4 weeks here in the US, but I'm ready for a 2 week break!!!!!! Going crazy!

But, based on what you said about how you used to schedule at schools, I would have left the profession long ago. That is NUTS!

I have done a little bit of private practice and hospital work on the side and I think the same thing that you mentioned to me, "do these people realize the hundreds and thousands of dollars of free services that I am providing that they are not really taking advantage of?????"

Sassy Britches said...

I agree with all that you need to commit a few smaller crimes first so as to guarantee no Community Service; and institutionalization is definitely out. Perhaps like marital visits they might also give you child visits? That way you don't have to miss out on their growing up for the time you're in the pokey but yet you get more hanging out time with them than just the through-the-glass-holding-the-phone thing.

Emily Sue said...

Don't dismiss the psych hospital idea. A friend of mine has just spent a couple of weeks in a private psych hospital and the place was nicer than my house. And there's 24-hour access to a kitchenette with a perpetually full jar of cream biscuits...

B said...

I am looking into the purchase of a Mini - Cooper for our 'Italian Job' type heist. I am also trying to come up with an alias... You know - the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on kind of thing.... Which makes me.... ready? Puss Edgeworth, do you think anyone would sell a car to someone with that name? You need to be working on your Michael Cane accent and then we need a good bank to knock over. Please not St George, they have our mortgages and I don't want this to affect the future investment abilities of my husband.

Hmmm, have I given this too much thought?

Will keep you in the loop....