I have a very old computer which has too many disorganised files collected all over the place in no particular order. The benefit of this is that when I go through the "Pictures" folder, I find things I laughed at years ago, but had forgotten all about. Check this:
If you have one, please comment with your worst/funniest nappy-change story. You don't need to have copyright on the story or legal ownership of the child in question in order to post it. I'll go first.
I won't mention which child was involved in this story, suffice to say I was quite inexperienced, and it happened many years ago. Impenetrable barriers of confidentiality here.
I was woken in the middle of the night to change a child's wet nappy. I had no contact lenses in, and therefore I couldn't see much. I removed the wet nappy and put a dry one on, only to become aware that the child had dirtied it immediately.
I sighed, removed the dirty nappy and put a clean one on. Once that nappy was on, it became obvious that I'd changed it too quickly, and the child had finished the job by unloading the other half. Dirty again.
I removed that nappy and I was too tardy in putting a clean one on.
The child weed. Into my mouth.
Good story, no? Now it's your turn!
I have been reading back through posts on my sister's blog recently. Whenever I need a pick-me-up, I go to her "Too Much Information" tab on the left, and I am guaranteed a huge laugh after which I always feel better.
I was reading old posts the other night when I came across one that reminded me of one of the funniest nights of my life.
She was staying with me once and we were talking, talking, talking. We must have been standing in the kitchen or somewhere like that, because she was in dire need of somewhere to sit. After a while she announced her need to relieve herself, and find a place to sit.
Only she said, "I'm going to the toilet and I'll bring back a stool."
After reading that again, I laughed so hard that my tummy muscles were too sore to go for a swim the next morning. But I think I'd got my workout anyway.
It could be Life, it could be Hormones. It's probably both, neither of them having much respect for me at all.
At the end of a day like today, I wander around the house having an argumentative mental dialogue where my Good Self sounds like a diplomatic counsellor who is on the losing side, and my Bad Self sounds more and more like Basil Fawlty as the conversation goes on.
---
Good Self: Well. So. Hm. How do you think today went?
Bad Self: What is WRONG with you? You were there! YOU saw it! How do YOU think it went?
Good Self: Hmm.
Bad Self: Clearly, these three children and this new baby would do MUCH better if they had a better mother ...
Good Self: Now don't start that again. You know where that leads you. You end up crying and then you cry until you vomit, then you vomit until you lose continence, then you have to wash all the bathmats in the ensuite.
Bad Self: I REMEMBER that! You don't need to REMIND me! Do you seriously think that other women manage the sort of rubbish I have to put up with, while maintaining an even temper and keeping the house tidy at the same time?!?
Good Self: Look, I'll be honest. They all do. But let's have a bit of a think about how things are going here, and see if we can improve on them for tomorrow. Now I know the laundry can get you down at times ...
Bad Self: Understatement. Anyway, it's only out of control because I had a billion sheets and towels to urgently wash and dry in the wet weather because of the You-Know-What ...
Good Self: Do I? I don't recall ...
Bad Self: I only signed up for PARENTHOOD! Babies! Nappies! Children! Homework! Teenagers! Buying lots of food! I didn't ask for head lice! I didn't ask for intestinal worms!
Good Self: I've heard that those things all come together.
Bad Self: [withering death stare]
Good Self: Now, you do tend to get a little angry when the children say they have no clean shirts and you tell them to look in the basket of clean dry things on the laundry floor and they come back after 6 seconds claiming that there are no items of clothing in there for them...
Bad Self: What is WRONG with them? Even Visually-Impaired Frederick could see the shirts in the basket!! Seriously, if I got a little HELP around here then maybe the clean stuff would be in little piles in their own rooms instead of in a communal basket on the laundry floor!!
Good Self: We could aim a little higher than that you know - we could consider folding and putting things awa...
Bad Self: WHAT?!? I could spend hours of my day folding things and putting them in places that people will take them OUT OF?!?!? HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM?!?!?!
Good Self: Oh-kay. Now tell me about this pile of laundry. And those three in there. And that one too. What stage are they up to?
Bad Self: Oh, WHO COULD POSSIBLY KNOW?!
Good Self, becoming a little scared, and wishing there were a Panic Button in this dialogue: Uh - well, if you don't know, I'm not sure ...
Bad Self: [Sigh.] They're all clean and dry. That's partly why I'm so angry - I did too much laundry today.
Good Self: Maybe we need to take a break and calm down a bit.
Bad Self: Good idea. I am going to self-medicate with some bourbon.
Good Self: Uh - but you're pregnant ...
Bad Self: TEA! I SAID TEA!!! WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN?!?!?!?!?!
---
The next few months could well be long and difficult.
Today I did something - something beyond the usual stuff that doesn't get noticed! I made a homework corner for Buzz and Jessie so we can keep their books spread out and keep tabs on their pencils and stuff. In the process of this I swept, vacuumed, tidied toys, cleaned tables and a whole lot of other things. Now, it seems I will soon be announcing the divorce or at least temporary separation of my sacrum and my ilium. I can barely walk. It's great.
Today seems to have been a write-off. By 6:15pm there was no dinner, no ideas for dinner, and no ingredient combinations that offered potential for dinner. Ergo, today was a lost cause.
I achieved nothing.
Except I went to my Mum's house to pick up some laundry she had spirited out of my house a few days ago (thanks Mum!) So I did nothing except pick up some laundry.
AND I had coffee with a friend. Yes. I achieved nothing except picking up laundry and having a coffee with a friend.
AND I took Jessie for a check up at the school dental van! I did that. I achieved nothing except pick up laundry, have coffee with a friend and take Jessie to the dentist.
AND I did three loads of laundry. Sheets, mattress protectors, even a quilt. Don't ask. So really I achieved nothing except picking up laundry, having coffee with a friend, taking Jessie to the dentist and did three loads of laundry.
AND I served and cleaned up breakfast, morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea. I remember that. So really I achieved nothing except except picking up laundry, having coffee with a friend, taking Jessie to the dentist, three loads of laundry and served four meals.
And packed bags and lunchboxes for school. And picked up Buzz and Jessie after school. And washed some dishes. And a few other things. Gestated, for example.
But that's all.
I didn't prepare dinner. Funny how that can make one think one achieved absolutely nothing all day.
1. The days are flying by, and there is never much to blog about. Buzz and Jessie head off to school each day and are enjoying it a lot, while Woody and I while away most of our days at home together. They are good times, but there never is anything much bloggable going on.
2. Today I had the opportunity to write three letters and as I love writing and wording things just right, I really enjoyed this. Sure, they were letters regarding work and the Tax Office, but I enjoyed pushing and pulling the words until they were just perfect.
3. I do really appreciate the work that The Rotary Club does in the community and I value our Rotarians greatly. Their new project pictured below is a worthy one, but somehow, there's something terribly, badly wrong with their sign.
